Eating Disorder Recovery
Eating Disorder Recovery
Doing everything you can to cope and get off the treadmill…
Jen* is a 38-year-old woman who is in good health, but the doctor puts her in the “obese” category. Her mother says she has a food addiction, because she has one too. She became conscious of dieting at age 8 or 9, when her mother joined Weight Watchers and the materials and point counting took over the kitchen.
As she began to grow and fill out, she felt larger than her peers and, by 13, was ashamed of her body… convinced no boy would ever like her.
And there began the cycle of skipping meals, counting calories, and trying all the new fad diets. No one told her she was okay just as she was. In fact, she heard the opposite: “Oh, wow, you look great! Are you losing weight?” Or, “Don’t eat that hamburger and fries; once on the lips… forever on the hips!” Honestly, though, even if someone had told her she was beautiful, she wouldn’t have believed them anyway.
Her whole life, she would “lose the weight,” vowing never to find it again, and then hang her head in shame as she rejoined diet groups. Now she finds herself in middle age wondering how she can ever really be loved. She feels disgusting and doesn’t love herself, and certainly not her body… so how can anyone else love her?
She has tried just about everything to fill the void of self-love and self-acceptance. She partied with her friends, anyone who would sleep with her… all to feel accepted and loved… but she ended up feeling guilty and lonely.
She eats when she is sad, mad, or too busy to cook… or bored…
… or really for just about any emotion at all. And then all she can think about is how to get rid of the food… and the shame. She’ll spend the next days and weeks back on a diet, thinking that the less she eats, the faster she’ll lose weight. Besides, she really doesn’t believe that she even deserves to eat.
Jen also spends her time and energy trying to be perfect in every way – to be the smartest, the best, the kindest, the perfect Christian… and failing. “Is life supposed to be this hard?” she thinks. She just doesn’t know how to cope with it anymore and wants to get off the treadmill.
And secrets? She has them. No one knows she purges or that she had an abortion at 16 years old. No one knows she lost her virginity to a boy that she tried to say “no” to but the words just wouldn’t come out. She carries her secrets close and deep. They’re in the past, she tells herself… no need to bring them up again. They’re over and done.
She just wants to get out of her head and enjoy life a little more, with a lot less anxiety. She stuffs all her feelings so far down that the anxiety sometimes feels as though it’s going to kill her. In fact, she has already been to the ER with what she thought was a heart attack.
I can help you with your eating disorder… whatever it looks like.
Your story may not look exactly like Jen’s, but you know what it feels like to hate your body and struggle to eat “normally.”
Gaining weight is the ultimate fear, worse than anything else.
Whether you think you need to lose weight or are fighting everyday with food and exercise to “stay in shape,” when you stop and think about it, it’s exhausting. But it’s all you know.
And you think you’re doing what’s best for your body.
Doesn’t thin = healthy?
Most days it’s like every ad, every conversation…
… even social media posts are about food and weight and working out. Faster way to this, 30 days to that… It’s EVERYWHERE… even family celebrations… and you can’t help but compare yourself to everyone else in the room and wonder if they’re all looking at you.
Every day the scale shouts at you with the number. Tentatively stepping on, you let out your breath ‘cause air weighs something, right? There it is. The number went up, not down. It hits you like a brick in the stomach. That can’t be right. Okay, let’s try again, go to the bathroom… use laxatives and diuretics… and step on the scale… again. Not there yet.
You’re crying. It’s torture. No need for lunch. A salad will have to do for dinner. Hating to go out and eat in front of other people.
Lying about food is common…
… let’s look at some of the ways the eating disorder speaks for you:
Restricted eating – “I already ate; I’m not hungry.” Small pieces and tiny bites, spreading around food so no one will notice you’re not eating what’s on your plate, dropping it on the floor (the dog loves it), eating separately from the family…
Shameful eating – hiding food, eating in secret where no one will see, finishing it off after everyone’s in bed, going out “to run errands” and throwing away the wrappers before you get home…
All you can think is that you’re such a failure, disgusted with yourself. So you double down. No sugar. Nothing fried. If low carbs are good, then no carbs must be better. If at least 30 minutes of cardio is recommended, then hours is the way to go.
And when the number starts dropping, you’re on top of the world. You’ve just gotta keep going. Willpower. You’re convinced that THIS TIME is the LAST TIME.
If only you could get to that magic number… you could celebrate, live a little, buy some new clothes. But not until then… if you ever get there. Keep hiding. Behind the clothes, behind the food.
It goes deeper than body image…
Fat shame (there, we said the dreaded F word) is a real thing, and the other F word is Failure. Feeling like you failed your parents, failed your partner, and are failing life… it’s life-sucking, draining.
As if that’s not enough, there’s another one… Fear. Fear of people finding out who you really are. A fraud. Waiting to be found out, so when he asks you to talk, the panic hits. Constantly feeling like you’re in trouble and waiting to be scolded. You dread it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re rejected and alone.
Loneliness…
Depression…
Anxiety…
Obsessive thoughts and behaviors (could I be OCD??) …
Dissociation…
Hopelessness…
…they come with the territory.
Hope is within reach, healing the root of your pain…
It starts small, this journey of feeling better and engaging in life again.
A phone call… walking in the office… sitting down and getting comfortable. No worries that you’ll break the chair in my office (seriously).
All body sizes and shapes are invited and planned for. All colors of skin. All genders and no gender at all. Sexuality. Beliefs. Piercings, tattoos, clothing – however self is expressed, bring it here. ALL of you is welcomed.
Through unconditional acceptance and caring, we heal the root of your pain and create a new normal for food and body with intuitive eating where diets, food, and weight no longer hold power. Instead, recognizing and honoring hunger and your body’s needs for gentle nutrition and movement are at the forefront. Nurture your body rather than starve it. It’s healing at the cellular level of your being.
We’ll explore the things you’ve learned about yourself that keep you stuck – the messages embedded so deeply they feel like part of your DNA. And gently, we’ll turn them over, look at them from all sides, until the light begins to reflect off the negative words and begins to shine through.
Treatment for disordered eating and chronic dieting takes into account mind, body, and spirit – striking down the reign of negative thoughts and fears, healing the body from the inside out with guidance for appropriate medical care and nourishment, and finding comfort and joy in things within and outside yourself.
Processing and healing emotional wounds, managing emotions, mindfulness, kind body movement, meal support, and self-care are important components of therapy with me. I work with dieticians and medical professionals who also have specialized eating disorder knowledge, to form a team of support and healing, customized to your needs.
To borrow a phrase from DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), I help you “create a life worth living.” In the end, isn’t that what we all want?
It’s time to find your worth and confidence!
I’ve been the person with seemingly every size clothes in the closet; and, sadly, none of them made me truly happy.
I remember being fed up (pardon the pun!) with yo-yo dieting and embarking on the journey of Intuitive Eating that was life-changing. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. It meant letting go of what I thought was true and considering another way.
When I look back, I realize all I let go of were chains and what I found were freedom and joy in being me.
Let’s begin to imagine… the freedom… the mental space… the relief… that can be yours. Replacing shame and guilt with confidence and contentment. Take a deep breath in and slowly let it out, with a long exhale. You’re worth making the call.
Call now (404) 994-1034 for a free phone consultation. I’ll be here to take you on this beautiful journey of recovery.
*Name changed to preserve client confidentiality.